If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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