so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
this just has baby written all over it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
