dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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