my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
