quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
