I woke up to her vacumming the grass
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
