went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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