I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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