I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
