Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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