I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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