Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
