Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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