I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
