You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
