Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
