...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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