Screwed.edu
Your dad touched me again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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