Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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