When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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