I am puke
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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