ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
