why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I fill condoms, not promises.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
