these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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