How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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