umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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