My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
