9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Im part way to drunk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
