Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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