Just cropdusted the office
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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