i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
