So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
