new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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