my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
