I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
