my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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