I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
