seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
