Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
