Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
