operation harelip BJ is a go
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
40s are totally the cure
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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