Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
