There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize