if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
