I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
