She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
