Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
