I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
