I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize