Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
