Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he quoted the bible to break up with me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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