Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
