the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize