You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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