Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Your shirt... Was in my pants
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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