Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
